Neal and his Poor, Missing, Unnamed Daughter
by HeartKel
Summary: Oh no! Neal and Yuki have gathered all of their closest friends and family at Queenscove, guests at their daughter’s naming ceremony. But lo and behold; their daughter is missing! Who will solve the case? Neal will surely!
1. Detective Neal is on the Case!

**Detective Neal and the Case of his Missing, Unnamed Daughter**

**Summary:**

Oh no! Neal and Yuki have gathered all of their closest friends and family at Queenscove, guests at their daughter's naming ceremony. But lo and behold; their daughter is missing! Who will solve the case? Neal will surely!

**Disclaimer:**

Yada yada. I am not Tamora Pierce. Therefore, I do not own any of the characters. Heck, I don't even thin I own the plot!S to cope with….

A loud, resounding, girlish shriek bounded throughout the corridors of Queenscove, much to the dismay and amusement of those seated in Queenscove's Great Hall. These said guests were on the verge of completing their last dinner course. A very red, very angry Sir Meathead soon came stomping towards them.

For several hours no one, including Neal's wife, Yuki, could make any sense of what he was saying. So, after several minutes (actually, it was more like 20 seconds), everyone gave up on Neal and let him Huff and Puff most of his anger away. Exactly 7 hours later, this is somewhat how the conversation went.

"YOU!" Neal screeched, pointing at Alanna. "YOU STOLE MY DAUGHTER!!!"

Neal, of course, being the Meathead he was, did not choose the right person to start accusing, and he most _definitely_ did not have any tact.

"I DID NOT!!!!!" Alanna pulled out her very shiny, very sharp sword, and began chasing after Neal, effectively killing her former squire. Or, she _would_ have, if George had not stopped her from jumping Neal.

"He heh he, sorry 'bout that…….._YOU_ STOLE MY DAUGHTER!!!"

"Neal……I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND! I am ABOUT TO HAVE A BABY! Good Goddess, why do you think I WOULD STEAL YOUR DAUGHTER!!!" Kel all but roared, very Lioness-like, and jumped up as best as a pregnant lady would be expected to, and "accidentally" ran Neal through with her glaive. Or she _would_ have, if she was not pregnant, so she would not harm Dom's little son.

"Sorry Kel. Have to be careful, you know. Hey, _YOU'RE _THE ONE WHO STOLE MY DAUGHTER!!!"

Neal, Dearest….I'm your _wife_.

"_SO!?"_

After our dearest Yuki gave our adorable Meathead a death-threatening glare, Neal made a mental note to update his Will, and was more then convinced that Yuki was not the one who stole their daughter.

Surveying his assembled guests, Neal decided to come up with the most brilliant plan in the whole history of Queenscove. What he came up with was…

"YOU?! _YOU'RE _IN CHARGE OF FINDING MY ONLY POOR, MISSING, UNNAMED DAUGHTER?!?!?!?!?!?"

After giving a Hysterical Yuki a calming drink, and assuring Neal that Yuki had utmost faith in Neal, and that she knew that Neal would find their Poor Unnamed Daughter ("Meathead, Meathead…..of COURSE Yuki wants you to look for your Poor, Unnamed, Missing daughter"), He left a Hysterical Yuki in the hands of his best friend, and marched off to concoct the most brilliant plan in the whole history of Queenscove.

A plan that was bound to shock everyone stiff.

Or, so he hoped.

**A/N:**

I know (….Really, Really Bad Humor. REALLY bad.

Oh well. shrugs

Needed to get this out of my system.

Do me a favor, and review? Please? pulls on a pitiful look

I don't even care if you flame. Really.


	2. Lord Wyldon’s Karaoke Moment

**Lord Wyldon's Karaoke Moment**

**A/N:**

Thank you! ThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyou to all those people how reviewed! These are all the wonderful people who get cookies! : **elemental-girl**,** Fauna Greywolf**,** Joren's Kel**, **Atlanta Enchanted **and** Jeweled Rose**!

Cookies for you! –Throws cookies at randomly appearing fans-

**Disclaimer:**

A Suspicious-Looking Character, wearing the coolest pair of glasses you've ever seen (the kind with fake ears and a fake moustache attached) creeps into a big, darkened room filled with filing cabinets. She proceeds to take out a handy-dandy flashlight and peer at all the documents filed away. Suddenly, a magnificent person wearing a Super-Man costume flies into a randomly-appearing window, stopping in front of the Suspicious-Looking Character.

"All hail……the Tamora Pierce! And what do you think you are doing, Suspicious-Looking Character?"

Tamora Piece whips-off the Suspicious-Looking Character's Super-Cool Glasses.

"Ah-ha! It's HeartKel! Trying to steal Kel again, aren't you? AREN'T YOU?!?!"

"YES! MWAHHAHAHAH! I'm also going to steal my precious Dom, and Meat head, and Yuki, and…."

Two hours later, as police officials are carting up HeartKel into the back of their Super-Cool shiny cars, HeartKel is still muttering…

"…and Alanna, and George, and Daine, and Numair…"

So, unfortunately, all these Super-Cool Characters _still_ belong to Tamora Pierce.

The moral of this sad, heart-sickening story is: Next time, Try Harder! Also, take a box of cookies to eat in your next short visit to jail.

On with the Story! ...Oh, wait….I also don't own Kelly Clarkson…I don't think I _want_ toS….

* * *

Five hours later, Neal came skipping back into Queenscove's Great Hall, where he was holding all of his guests hostage.

"Hey, every body, I thought of t….HEY! WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING?!? You're being HELD _HOSTAGE!!! _"

Neal had entered the room in time to see all of his guests playing various games. Alanna, Daine, Yuki, Thayet, Buri, Eleni and Lalasa were all playing Twister, while Neal could distinctly heart Kel call out colors in her Super-Duper Commander voice ("alright….Left Foot, Red! No, no….Alanna! _Alanna_! I said _red_, not blue….Hey! NO CHEATING!!!").

Their husbands (excluding Everybody's Favorite Meathead, and, well, Myles and Jon, too) were enjoying the delightful view they were receiving, whistling at the more spectacular ones ("Raoul! I DON'T CARE IF I'M YOUR WIFE, _STOP TRYING TO LOOK UP MY SKIRT!"_)

Lord Wyldon, King Jon, Myles and the rest of Third Company sat playing a colossal game of Truth and Dare (Hmm, Lerant…erm….I dare you…to kiss Wyldon, for 10 gold nobles." "TEN GOLD NOBLES!! Are you_ crazy_?!? I'd rather pay!)

So, after Neal had a little fit, and forced everyone to stand in a straight line ("All bow to my powerful Green Magic…..yes, you too Numair, Alanna…or not…just….stand there, ok?), Neal revealed his All-Powerful Plan to every body.

"So, here's what I'm going to do! I am going to……hunt for clues! Everybody, _turn out your pockets_!"

With much grumbling, all the guests threw all items they had on their respective persons (NO! Do _not_ think dirty!) into a pile on the floor. With the air of someone embarking on a treasure hunt (actually, more like a bloodhound sniffing out a bone), Neal dug through the pile.

"Let's see what we have here……a rock, nope, don't need that!"

Neal through the shiny rock over his shoulder, which landed on Numair ("Owwie…")

"…A piece of wood, don't need that!"

Clunk!

"….a Super-Shiny dagger, nope! "

Clank!

"…Kel's special string collection, who would want that?"

Ploosh! ("Grr…that was _special_ Neal! Imported from Sarain!")

"…Alanna's purple contact collection, who in their right mind _cares_ about their eye color?"

Clatter! (**A/N** This just became a noise……now!)

(_Nealan_! Those cost a lot! Just wait till I get my hands on my sword….)

"....a Super-Slimy frog, who let the frog in?"

Plop!

"…A letter from Wyldon to me….Hey! A letter for me! _Lemme read_!"

"Nooo! It's supposed to be private! _Nooooooooooo_!!"

"Ahem!.....Dearest Neal, I've wanted to say this for a long time. Even as you were getting married. When I received word that you had a daughter, I knew that I had to tell you this; I love you. I've loved you ever sin…….HEY! This is a _love note!_ From a MALE!"

"Yes….it's finally out in the open….Neal, I love you!"

"Eww……I am _so _not hearing this! Hey….in an act of jealousy, _you_ could have stolen my poor, unnamed daughter! _YOU _STOLE MY DAUGHTER!"

"Yes! I did! I was so mad; especially since you led me on, making me think you were available! Well, here's how _I_ feel!"

In the most girlish voice a man could produce, Wyldon started singing when music suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

(**A/N**: In case you want the song, it's called Since You've Been Gone, by Kelly Clarkson)

"**Here's the thing we started off friends  
It was cool but it was all pretend  
Yeah yeah  
Since you've been gone **

You dedicated you took the time  
Wasn't long till I called you mine  
Yeah Yeah  
Since you've been gone

And all you'd ever hear me say  
Is how I pictured me with you  
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But since you've been gone  
I can breathe for the first time  
Im so movin on  
Yeah yeah  
Thanks to you  
Now I get  
What I want  
Since you've been gone

How can I put it? you put me on  
I even fell for that stupid love song  
Yeah yeah  
Since you've been gone

How come I never hear you say  
I just wanna be with you  
I guess you never felt that way

But since you've been gone  
I can breathe for the first time  
Im so movin on  
Yeah yeah  
Thanks to you  
Now I get  
I get what I want  
Since you've been gone

You had your chance you blew it  
Out of sight, out of mind  
Shut your mouth I just can't take it  
Again and again and again and again

Since you've been gone  
I can breathe for the first time  
Im so movin on  
Yeah yeah  
Thanks to you (thanks to you)  
Now I get  
I get what I want  
I can breathe for the first time  
Im so movin on  
Yeah yeah  
Thanks to you (thanks to you)  
Now I get (I get)  
You should know (you should know)  
That I get  
I get what I want  
Since you've been gone  
Since you've been gone  
Since you've been gone"

When he finished, he left some amused, some in horror, and Raoul, Buri and Alanna laughing hysterically on the floor.

"What? _What_?!?! That _wasn't funny_!"

Neal, after 20 minutes of horror, used his Ultimate Green Powers to see if Wyldon had been telling the truth. Unfortunately for Wyldon, he was not telling the truth of having stolen Neal's Poor, Unnamed, Missing Daughter, so he was the first unlucky one to leave Neal's party, being sent to the palace like a bad boy.

"Good Riddance…Kel, remind me to NEVER let me near Wyldon again. Well, one down, and Alanna, Daine, Yuki, Thayet, Buri, Eleni, Lalasa, Kel, George, Numair, Jon, Raoul, Myles, Dom and the rest of Third Company to go!"

**A/N:**

Not amusing, I know. I am _personally _surprised that people thought it was good.

Cookies for you, if you review! )

You're not going to review, are you?

ARE YOU?!?

Just…please…review.

Oh yeah! Give me any suggestions you might have for the next chapter!


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